memorial day weekend

how quickly it seemed to come this year.  well, it just seems like memorial day weekend has, in the past, been defined by beautiful weather.  not that today and yesterday have been unbearable, but i've had better, as they say.

a scene:

we were standing as far apart as possible.

goggles.  aren't they?

i suppose!, said the angriest man i've ever seen.  just the thought of conversing made him irate.

but, i couldn't stop from talking, no matter how hard i tried.  i asked him a thousand questions.

what do you plan to do?  why didn't you say so?  what should i do?  do you even care?  i love you, do you love me?  has something changed?  what's changed?  something changed, didn't it?  can you tell me what changed?  you didn't tell her? did you tell her? you don't think i've changed (do you)?  can i offer you something?  anything?  drink?  something to eat?  advice, perhaps?

it was as if the two of us were sinking, helplessly.  uncontrollably, i yelled, do you still have that dog?

the fact that he neglected to respond nervously propelled me.  

would you like me to talk louder?  how's your mother?

dead.  both dead.

wow.

yes.  wow.

was there any...correlation...?

between the death of my mother.  and the death of my dog.  

yes.

no.

hmmm.  well, i'm sorry to hear that.  

that there was no correlation?

yes, well, that, too.  i really liked your dog.

auditions

wow.  they're funny.  embarrassing.  humiliating.  exhilarating.

i was just thinking about some of the auditions i've had.  some of the best ones were actually the worst ones.  just. so. funny.  

i used to hate auditioning.  ab-so-lutely hate auditioning.  i was never prepared enough, and i just dreaded them, so i always procrastinated with the preparation.  some of my very first acting auditions went so badly that i'm honestly surprised i'm still doing this.  it was like i still didn't know really who i was or what my voice is or the mere fact that i could even have a voice.  my voice is only now developing after all this time.  

i remember thinking to myself, well, i just hate auditions.  so many actors do.  so what.  and, there are plenty of respected actors who do, for whatever reason.  then, i got sick of hating them.  i would have a spectacular audition and still not get a part i wanted, or have a horrible audition altogether and not get a part period.  i hated the inconsistency.  i hated not understanding the process.  and i hated that i hated it.  

one day, i was driving to this audition that i didn't even want to do in like 110 degrees, running late and everything.  i didn't even have a headshot with me when i got there.  the audacity i have to even call myself an actor.  anyway, it was for some improv thing.  i remember thinking.  what the hell are you doing here?  you don't want this.  and, as the audition was beginning, i thought none of this matters.  just go out there and fail.  and, i did.  not out of any disrespect for anyone, just as an experience.  well, needless to say i've often replicated that same experience, some times unwillingly and unwarranted.  and sometimes not.

now i love auditioning.  well, at this moment anyway, i do.  

my brother called me this morning at 9.  it made my day.  

then my cousin called me at half 9.  icing on the cake.

me, phil and anthony (or as i call him, antwan) are going to see kids in the hall next week.  it's gonna be awesome.  

goddamn this weather.  i used to love it.  right now it's just depressing.  supposedly tomorrow will be nice.  who knows?  

just trying real hard to get back in the swing of things.  this summer is going to be great.  it has to be.  first of all, flock of seagulls is playing basically at my apartment.  secondly, joel and i are going to start working together on the show.  and, i hope adrienne can work with us again.  it was the best show i've ever done.  definitely the most fun.  and, the most rewarding.  and the riskiest.  

i'm so anxious.  i never get anxious.  stop it.  ok, i will.  silly emotions.  they aren't the boss of me.  nobody is.  speaking of nobody...

i got my bike all ready for the summer.  how sweet is that?  fairly sweet.  whoops.  that was a rhetorical question.  like, how are you?  or, who drank the last of the eggnog?  i'm fine; i just finished that gallon of eggnog, thanks.  damnit.  i did it again.

see?  crazy.  one time, i remember, the shit just hit the fan when i was working like 3 or 4 jobs last year, and i flipped out at this restaurant job that wouldn't let me quit for months.  i was crying and hyperventilating in the dining room and the kitchen and the whole place was like, what did we do, we're sorry.  it was major.  i ended up making some sweet tips because of the nervous breakdown i had publicly, which was utterly humiliating, by the way.  so, not really something you should willingly pull to gain piteous prosperity.  

the next morning, i had to work at starbucks, and i felt like a new person.  even though i was still broke, exhausted and working for no money, my head was clear and i was energized.  this awesome customer, dana, came up to me and said hi.  he's a writer for a couple papers, super interesting guy.  i gave him a free coffee, and i was super happy, singing and laughing.  he said, what happened to you?  you're glowing!  and, i told him the story about how just the night before i had a nervous breakdown.  he smiled.  and he said, you didn't have a nervous breakdown.  you had a nervous breakthrough.  which took me to an even higher level of clarity.  

i wasn't going to write

but, of course i'm procrastinating.

i should be cleaning my apartment, and getting rid of all the shit i have.  

well, i'm just on a break, that's all.  a short 3 hour break.  you wouldn't be laughing if we were in europe.  or maybe you would.  you seem to laugh a lot.  excessive laughter.  i think that's what it's called.  

i can't wait to recover fully from the exhaustion of traveling.   

plus, for the first time ever in my life, i totally trusted someone in a budding relationship, and i was double crossed, as they say.  fuck.  it really hurts.  real bad.  really fuckin bad.  

but, it doesn't hurt as bad as it would've had i never done it.

some things.

i guess there will always just be some things that can't quite be figured out. 

they puzzle me so.

like:what makes you feel a certain way.

                                               and why.  

    or, what 

               a 

  feeling actually is 

               and why there 

               are so 

           many sometimes and sometimes they're so 

          scarce.

does anyone have a scanner?

i need one.

wow

i'm a little out of sorts.  regardless, i write.

phil, i love you, and i knew all along that the deodorant was you.  when i think about it, i cry tears down my legs.  i'm laughing so hard.

elliot, i love you.  i can't believe how much i missed you.  i'm laughing even harder.

rodney, i'm sorry and i don't know what else to say.  i stopped laughing.

everyone else, i love you too.  and i can't wait to see all of you.  the laughing has begun yet again.

Long time no write...

Wow.  It's been like a month.  Maybe more.  

Where do I start?  Let's see...

I left the M.S. Norwegian Pearl on May 2nd, with some difficulty.  Of course, I didn't start packing my 3 tons of shit until 8pm the night before, and had to leave at 6am the next day.  Smart.  

So, anyway, I finally got my shit together in the eleventh hour and got off in one piece.  Although, I like to think that I left a small piece of me behind for my pals.  I am going to miss them.

But, it's good to be on dry land.  Went to Seattle for a couple days.  Had a blast.  Spontaneity.  Joined a pot protest with Venk; went on a cross-town hike with a guy we met; and then sang Beatles songs with a street band in Pike Place market for a couple hours, I think.  

Then, on Monday morning, I left to go to Orlando to help drive my grandma up to Chicago.  My fucking flight had a layover in CHICAGO...and all I wanted to do was go home.  But, I continued on and hung out with Grandma and Uncle Joe for a couple days on the road.  Somewhat awesome; somewhat shitty because it took so goddamn long and I was kind of sick.  

We did finally get here in time for Mother's Day and my little brother, Jesus' Communion.  God, is he adorable.  And hilarious.  

I'm exhausted now, and will retire to bed shortly, hopefully to replenish my depleted energy supply.  Tengo mucho a hacer.