auditions

wow.  they're funny.  embarrassing.  humiliating.  exhilarating.

i was just thinking about some of the auditions i've had.  some of the best ones were actually the worst ones.  just. so. funny.  

i used to hate auditioning.  ab-so-lutely hate auditioning.  i was never prepared enough, and i just dreaded them, so i always procrastinated with the preparation.  some of my very first acting auditions went so badly that i'm honestly surprised i'm still doing this.  it was like i still didn't know really who i was or what my voice is or the mere fact that i could even have a voice.  my voice is only now developing after all this time.  

i remember thinking to myself, well, i just hate auditions.  so many actors do.  so what.  and, there are plenty of respected actors who do, for whatever reason.  then, i got sick of hating them.  i would have a spectacular audition and still not get a part i wanted, or have a horrible audition altogether and not get a part period.  i hated the inconsistency.  i hated not understanding the process.  and i hated that i hated it.  

one day, i was driving to this audition that i didn't even want to do in like 110 degrees, running late and everything.  i didn't even have a headshot with me when i got there.  the audacity i have to even call myself an actor.  anyway, it was for some improv thing.  i remember thinking.  what the hell are you doing here?  you don't want this.  and, as the audition was beginning, i thought none of this matters.  just go out there and fail.  and, i did.  not out of any disrespect for anyone, just as an experience.  well, needless to say i've often replicated that same experience, some times unwillingly and unwarranted.  and sometimes not.

now i love auditioning.  well, at this moment anyway, i do.